It has occurred to me that many of the readers of this article may be interested in a career change. If so, I suggest that becoming a stock market guru may be worthy of your consideration. It’s a job that — if you follow my advice — pays extremely well, doesn’t take much your time, requires almost no experience, and can potentially bring you fame and fortune.
I have been observing market gurus for many years and have noticed that there are certain traits that the successful ones have in common. So to get your new venture off to a roaring start, I’m going to tell you exactly how to be successful as a stock market guru.
- First of all, you must do something to get the attention of the financial media. The way to do that is to make extreme predictions. No “the market is going up 10%” or “down 5%” kind of forecasts. You have to say things like “the Dow is going to 36,000” or “button down the hatches, the market is going to crash any day now.” The best way to decide whether to be bullish or bearish is to measure the mood of the public. You will be much more popular if you’re wildly bullish at market tops or wildly bearish at market bottoms. You want to tell people what they’re already predisposed to believe. Also, you can never change your mind. The media doesn’t like that. So be a perma-bull or a perma-bear. But whatever you do, never, ever waver from your original stance.
- After you have decided whether you want to make a living being extremely bullish or extremely bearish it is very important that no one remembers when you first made your original prediction. This one is going to be tricky and requires some skill. Don’t ever let anyone pin you down on timing issues. The way to do that is to just keep repeating your prediction over and over again until everyone forgets how long you’ve been making the forecast. For role models, watch the politicians. They are experts at not allowing anyone to pin them down on anything that they prefer you not to remember.
- You must repeat your market prediction loudly, often, and with extreme confidence. When the market goes against you, simply keep repeating that you’re very confident of your stance and you have no doubt that the market will go your way very soon. Again, you must make people forget about timing issues and the best way to do that is through repetition.
- The market will eventually go your way. It may take years, but it will happen. Now listen closely — whenever the market finally goes your direction, no matter how small a move it is, proudly declare victory. I mean shout it from the roof tops. You were right all along and it’s all because of your astute analysis. Do not make any mention of when you first made your original market call. If you are cornered and you must make a comment about your entry point, just say that you have been averaging into your position for quite some time. That way no one will know that you actually lost a lot of money.
- Speaking of losing money, never follow your own predictions by investing your own funds. Otherwise, the income that you make as a famous guru will be taken away from you by the market.